11 tips to keep your cool when bedtime is hard.
You know when you reach out to a friend and ask about their struggles with bedtime, hoping for confirmation that you’re not the only one who struggles with the nightly battle? But to your dismay, your friend shares how easy and wonderful their perfect routine is every night and how their child willingly brushes their teeth for 2 minutes and happily climbs into bed after only one story and a kiss goodnight. The best part is when they describe how their kid magically drifts off to a blissful 12 hour sleep every night within minutes of closing the door.
And then there is your story.
Perhaps you cannot remember a time when your kid wasn’t bouncing off the walls, or screaming bloody murder for what seems like hours every night. Perhaps you gave up on the personal hygiene expectations a while ago because throwing a toothbrush across the room out of frustration every night wasn’t worth it. Maybe your child dawdles or continually begs for “just one more” whether it’s a never ending list of stories, snacks, or snuggles. And the fight to get into bed is ALWAYS followed by the routine of your child coming out and whining about anything they can think of to get a chance to stay up with you after bedtime.
The worst part? This is supposed to be your evening time. When you don’t have to be a parent. You’ve done this thing all day and now it’s supposed to be over. You’re not supposed to be available for this small human (or many) grabbing at you, begging for your attention all night long. You’ve looked forward to the moment when you can relax and just be a normal human in peace. And yet, here you are, trying to deal with your child who has suddenly become a monster. Every. Single. Night.
Why do the people who want to go to bed, have to put the people to bed, who don’t want to go to bed?
Let me tell you. EVERY parent has been there. Your friend’s dreamy bedtime wasn’t always that way. They have had their struggles, and every family goes through these things one way or another. If it wasn’t bedtime, it was or is potty training, eating, leaving the house, or some other fierce (forever) battle.
We can work on steps to improve the transition to bedtime. We can do that together. I would love to book a free 30 minute phone consultation with you.
But as with anything, it will take time.
What can you do right now?
My first efforts as your sleep coach are to focus on how you can develop some self-compassion. You’ll need this in all aspects of parenthood, or you’ll crumble under the weight of ongoing guilt and shame, feeling like a failure with every little moment that you’re child continues to struggle.
You need to go easy on yourself. And if you can take a breath, step back and take a moment to think through what you can do to just get through this difficult moment right now, it will make EVERYTHING easier when it comes to bedtime. Trust me. I always tell my clients to ‘be the calm in their chaos.’ This is based on one particular notion that is very helpful to understand in all things parenting. Your child is not trying to give you a hard time. They are having a hard time. This is the basis for how we approach a plan to fix this ongoing problem, but for now, let’s just focus on getting through tonight. One step at a time.
Let’s talk about some coping skills for bedtime battles.
What can you do when it’s hard and how can you actually be the calm amid their chaos? Here are my 11 tips. Take a read through, and pick one that resonates with you. Write it on your arm or a sticky note on your child’s door. Whatever you need to do to remember it when things get hard.
This is temporary. It feels like forever, but it won’t be.
Remember your routine, stay focused on the plan. This isn’t automatic for them so it will take time to learn. If you’re making changes and following through, they will get there even if it’s bumpy right now.
Do a body check: what is the need behind your emotion? Behind your child’s emotion? Does someone need to eat, sleep, or a hug?
Forget multitasking. Multitasking sucks. Start compartmentalizing.
Think “I choose when and what, and my child chooses if and how much” It’s a partnership. And if they have to lay there in the dark for two hours before falling asleep, that’s what they have to do. We have zero control over when they actually close their eyes and drift off into unconsciousness.
Keep your need for control in check. When is it necessary, and when is it just too much stress all around? If you think about what they really want and figure out how you could actually make it work for your child, they might get right on board. They usually need to feel like there is something in it for them.
Remember everyone struggles with this at some point. There are so many parents and kids struggling at bedtime tonight.
Rather than stressing about what ramifications come after this moment (tomorrow, or the many days and nights ahead), focus on the right here and right now. Often, the future things we’re worried about won’t be as bad as we think, and we can address them when it’s time. It will be okay. Remember, you’re doing your best and that is enough right now.
Ask yourself: what is my true desire right now, and how can I reframe this desperation? Maybe instead of being on a strict, clock based schedule, your goal needs to be just to help your kid do the routine in the order that they choose, however long each step might take. You know that eventually they will get to that final step and they will go to sleep. Once they get the routine down pat, you can work on speeding up the process.
Tap out and ask for help when you need it. I know this is easier said than done. Your child might need you and only you so another adult might not be able to help put them to bed tonight. It’s okay to step outside the room and breathe for a minute.
Go easy on yourself! Remember it’s not hard because you’re failing. This is hard because it is hard.
Recently, I shared a post from a brain scientist about the number one thing they recommend for parents in their parenting journey. It’s self-compassion. Yup, not compassion for your kid, not discipline, not gentle parenting, not all organic food or sleep training or the best school or whatever else we may have thought. It’s self compassion.
Do what you need to do in those hard moments. They’re freaking hard. And you’re a freaking amazing parent.
