5 minute read

It’s not always possible to control the exact time a child will wake up in the morning. However, some things we can control to help influence falling back asleep or staying asleep longer. After your little one has moved out of their crib and into a toddler bed, a big part of healthy sleep habits is expectations for both your child and for you as their parent.

When an expectation is not properly communicated, a child can easily get confused. And instead of saying “Mom and Dad, I’m confused about this, can you help me know what to do?” It will show up in their behaviour. Then, our response will either reinforce a certain behaviour or diminish it. The problem with sleep is it’s not always as easy in the wee hours of the morning when we have a full work week ahead of us and other responsibilities! So our responses and expectations can become a little fuzzy.

I had a consult with a family who was having trouble with their 2.5 year old son Jesse’s morning sleep. He had been waking up at 4:00 am every morning for over 2 months. At first, Mom and Dad tried many different things to keep him in bed longer - rubbing his back, singing etc., but as soon as they would leave the room he would get up and follow them out! Then they thought he probably just didn’t need to sleep any longer and decided one of them would get up and start the day early with Jesse… at 4:00 am. It caused problems for his day sleep which is one thing, but the harder thing was that this wasn’t sustainable. Mom and Dad were both getting tired and cranky, and overall just unhappy with the whole situation. After 3 weeks of this, Jesse somehow ended up in bed with Mom and Dad. They both said “just this once” but wouldn’t you know, every morning after that, Jesse got into bed with them for almost 2 hours. Sometimes he would sleep, sometimes they would hand him an iPad, or sometimes it would turn into a family tickle fight. Although fun, no-one was getting the sleep they needed.

When this family called me, they said they didn’t know how it had gotten to be this way. They would have been fine if it was from 6:45-7:00 am every morning, but they were starting to see him appear at their bedside even earlier every day!

Well yes! Cuddling, watching a show or playing a game on an iPad, tickle fights… it’s a dream for a 2.5 year old kid at 4 in the morning! That’s what he wants and if it happens every morning as soon as he enters Mom and Dad’s room, then of course he’ll just keep doing it. He has the ability to stay in bed and fall back asleep till morning time, but that’s not what’s happening. Delayed gratification or any kind of impulse control is learned over time and doesn’t come naturally to kids, so if the reward is right there in front of him, there’s no reason he wouldn’t just come in earlier to receive his reward.

So how do we fix it? Four simple steps, good attitudes, and a LOT of grace. It’s a journey. Check out the road below…

Step 1 - Talk them through the expectations

Jesse needed to be taught that it’s night time all the way up until 7:00 am when it’s time to start the day. And nighttime means he needs to stay laying in bed and quiet. However, taking away his morning cuddle time with Mom and Dad wouldn’t be an easy transition. He might not understand or care about the reasons for this change.Therefore, my go-to for toddlers is to promise something in return that works for him. Maybe he still gets to come snuggle in Mom and Dad’s bed, but only after 6:45 am. So they’re not taking it away entirely, but this way everyone has more sleep and can have fun together.

If the reward needs to be removed entirely, offer something different. Carve out 10-15 minutes in your morning to connect with him and make sure he feels special, especially for staying in bed until 6:45 am. Some families use star stickers on a chart, others give a jellybean, or I’ve even heard of a morning dance party!

Step 2 - Use a Wake Up Time Clock

The problem is that Jesse cannot tell time. So he needs to have something that will help him know it’s not time to wake up yet, and then when it IS time, that it’s okay to go to Mom and Dad’s room for his reward. A Gro Clock or Mella Clock are great options for toddlers and kids. This tool makes it actually possible for a child to live up to the expectation put on them to stay in bed until their wake-up time.

In addition to the wake up clock, try out my FREE Night Time Guide and also Bedtime Tickets. They are free resources and can possibly really help if you use them correctly. I’m also here to help if you need to chat about it!

Step 3 - Make it fun!

The FUN part about this is not just about the reward you give to your kid. It’s the satisfaction of WINNING. Jesse started feeling accomplished and proud when he earned his reward. That’s why repetition is so huge for kids - once they master a skill, they can do it over and over again because they know they can do it well and they love the feeling. So my recommendation to make it fun is to make it doable from the start.

I suggested to Jesse’s parents to plan for a two week transition period and really commit. They started with setting the sun to come up at 4:00 am for three days straight. Each day, they followed through with giving him his cuddle reward (only for 15 minutes), and then they would all get up and start the day. After three successful mornings, they moved the wake up time to 4:10. Then 4:20. Then 4:30. By gradually pushing the wake up time later and later, Jesse was successful EVERY DAY. He knew the clock was going to come up, and he KNEW that he would receive his reward when it was time. So he was motivated to wait an extra 10 minutes. Eventually, he would actually fall back asleep after 4:00 am because he would lay there and wait patiently in the dark. That’s when it’s gratifying as a parent!

Step 4 - Be consistent with your responses

If Jesse’s parents changed their response even one time during this learning process, Jesse would think that other outcome was a possibility so he would continue pushing for it. So unfortunately, ‘caving’ has consequences. When that means coming into Mom and Dad’s room sooner every morning because “oh it’s so close to wake up time, he almost made it,” be aware that it might only be a few days till you’re back at square one. Then it’s even more challenging to get back on track. However, the opposite is also true! Reinforcing positive behaviour with a consistent response every single time will also get easier and easier and prove to be successful.

Bottom Line:

Decide right now what you want to achieve, make the process fun and doable for your child and your family, and then stick to it! I promise, if you follow through with all these steps, your child will be able to stay in bed longer and hopefully everyone will get the rest they need to live well!